Nicola Curtis

She ain't messin'

In the normally incomprehensible words of Kanye West, 'I ain't sayin she a gold digga, but...'. But she a gold digga. Nicola regularly opens AA (Accountants Anonymous) meetings with words to the effect of 'it's been 24 hours since my last payment reminder'.

But we all know that's a lie. Because that's what she does day in, day out. She states that she has other subordinate interests (apparently, she owns some small people known as 'children' and she actually loves them to bits), but we know deep down that she's all about chasing the dollar.

If you cross Nicola in a dark financial alley, you'll find a formidable enemy. You will not emerge unscathed from such an encounter; her main weapons are affability, charm, patience and humanity; there is genuinely no defence against such a powerful arsenal.

Look, it's not easy writing a bio about someone who doesn't seem to have a nasty bone in their body. Give us dark and brooding, or damaged and mentally unstable, or even dull and socially inept; with these traits, the story writes itself. Nicola is none of those things, she's a beautiful human being. But she wants your money before next Tuesday please.